A satire article I wrote upon my own school graduation, in 2019.

Dear members of the McGill Community,

Convocation is a time filled with emotions, nostalgia, and even some mental strain, for all those involved. In the Arts Faculty, efficient planning and execution of the ceremony are doubly important, as the Faculty holds two days’ worth of ceremonies. Though McGill’s website states each ceremony to last approximately two hours, an experienced estimate would argue it is actually three.

This, in addition to other important information brought to our attention by a certain group of ushers, exhausted from explaining to families that programmes do not print out of thin air, has prompted the writing of this brief reminder list. We hope you appreciate the advice given here, and that your families will join you in noting our tips on how to make convocation a smooth experience for us all.

For Students
1. Come prepared, which means empty-handed: no phones, wallets, backpacks, coffee, or anything other than your line-up card, graduating gown, and cap, which can all be picked up at the designated pick-up areas starting Monday June 4th.

2. In case you fled the moment of finishing exams, or forgot to reserve your regalia, there will be a limited number gowns available for rent onsite. Arrive two hours before the start of your ceremony, and have your student ID with the $45 rental fee on hand. If your regalia is not returned (however early you picked it up), the charge is a hefty $210 dollars – almost twice what it takes to replace your diploma and all that it represents!

3. You should register beforehand, but don’t necessarily need to. There will be staff on site specialized in dealing with the stress upper year students face with registering for things on time. However, if you do register late, your name will be called at the end. It’s best to avoid this if the thought of your name being cognitively associated with the tent collective’s peak misery levels is overwhelming.

4. Unfortunately, the Faculty didn’t have funds to create a Geofilter this year, but fingers crossed that the University will have our backs. We hope they do, since we bring in the most undergraduate students.

5. Weather-permitting, convocation will take place in a giant outdoor tent with a capacity of 5000. You are allowed up to four guest seats inside (first-come, first-serve). We encourage you to finalize your guest lists by talking with your loved ones about whose physical presence in the tent is most valuable, and who fits more with an ‘overflow room vibe’ to watch the livestream.

6. As it is McGill tradition to have a highly visible procession of students, it will begin around the enclosed space of Redpath Hall. Loud bagpipes will be leading your way.

7. You will not receive your diploma onstage, or from Principal Fortier. Instead, once you reach her at centre stage you will almost immediately be cued to walk off by a tap on the head with a wooden stick. If it’s your family’s first convocation, it’s best to let them know so they won’t find this too underwhelming an experience.

8. If somebody makes some kind of protest, don’t roll your eyes or think it’s out of place. Octavia Ritchie, valedictorian of the first group of women undergraduates at McGill, walked onstage despite Principal William Dawson’s ban on women delivering speeches to male students, from the same rostum as them.

9. Your diploma will be handed to you offstage, by a Chancellor standing in an obscure but somewhat visible side. It might be wise to explain to your family beforehand where that is, so that they have ample time to choose between getting cameras to snap pictures of the moment, or manage their disappointment at having to watch the tapping resume

10. Find a way to stay hydrated that doesn’t involve water bottles (see rule 1), especially plastic, as McGill recently issued a campus-wide ban on plastic bottles.